| | Back towards the end of May, right after my birthday, I lost a very valuable piece of my life. I lost my great grandmother. She was a wonderful & amazing woman. She had overcome so many obstacles in her life .. I was so blessed to say that I had a great grandmother at the age of 19. My oldest cousin had a great grandmother until he was 21. How many people can say that anymore?!
The night that she passed away, I had the worst feeling (consciously) because I hadn't written her a letter yet to tell her thankyou for the birthday money (like I always did, every Christmas & every birthday, & sometimes just to write her). I hadn't had the time, I was busy with work, because once you work at Wal Mart, they pretty much own you. So I sat down & pulled out my notebook & wrote her, and as I wrote her letter, I just started crying uncontrollably. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't catch my breath, and tears were dripping off of my face & onto the paper. Chris called right as I was crying, and I told him the whole story about how I was angry with my dad for not telling me & taking me to Cobblestone (ask me later. lol.) to see her the summer before, because I knew it would've been the last time I would've seen, heard, & touched my great grandmother in person. I knew where I'd be seeing her the next time I did .. and the next morning, when I heard the phone ring, I didn't think much of it until I heard my mom gasp & say, 'Oh, Keith .. I'm so sorry ..' then I knew. No one had to tell me anything. I walked into the living room & started crying & my mom held me .. I was crying over many things; at the fact that I hadn't gotten her letter in the mail (I was going to mail it that day, along with her wedding invitation), & the fact she hadn't got to read it. I had wrote so many things in that letter that I wanted her to read before she passed away .. so many things I wanted her to know. How much I loved her & valued her. How lucky I was. How amazing I thought she was .. & it hurt me so bad because I was late. I had failed, & she'd never know what that letter said.
I had remembered at Christmas, I had written her a letter telling her about how I was getting married this coming summer and she'd have to come. At my wedding, I had the first pews clear, no one was allowed to sit there, and the seats were covered inw hite rose petals. Usually, the first pews are to be left clear for the loved ones you wish were there, but couldn't make it, like Chris' grandparents who've passed, my grandparents from Ohio couldn't make it because my grandma's too sick, and .. my lovely little great grandmother. The night of the rehearsal when we put the petals on the pews, I started crying because it hurt so much to think that these petals were partially in memory of her. Half of these little petals were for her.
There was a recent event that happened, I won't go into detail because it's really no one's business .. but even though she'd passed, she'd "saved my life" again. I'm not going into detail. But I just sat there and cried .. because I wish she was here for me to thank her. I know she knows how thankful & grateful I am, but it would just feel so much better to really tell her in person, to make sure that she knows .. I sounded so selfish, because I just kept saying, 'I want her back,' even though I know she is soo much better in heaven. Asking her to come back would be like asking her to starve. I could never do that.
Since then, every card that I can find that she's ever sent I've put up to keep. They're treasures to me. I know people tell me, 'She's in a better place' & blah blah .. but I guess I just never expected that day. It was nothing I ever thought about or anticipated. She'd always been there, all of my life .. I guess I expected her to be there forever. I expected her to see my babies, see her new generation of great GREAT grandchildren .. I always thought of how awesome that would be. To go see her one summer, watch her hold my baby, watch her hold her great great grandchild ..
I miss her. I miss everything about her. I miss talking to her on the phone on speakerphone with my dad, I miss hearing stories about her, I miss hearing HER stories, I miss her humor, always making me laugh .. I missed the feeling I'd usually get walking into her house, seeing her in her chair. My heart broke when she wasn't there. The house was all too quiet. The house was all too empty. Nothing was the same .. it never will be. I kindof feel guilty because I didn't get to see her as much as I should've, but I'm sure she couldn't blame me for being a little girl living 7 hours away. I miss her, & I know God will take good care of that woman .. I can only imagine what her crown of jewels looks like! I bet it's breathtaking :)
Never take your grandparents for granted. They won't be there forever .. ♥ |
| | Posted 11/26/2008 12:43 PM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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